from the past

i actually wrote this a little over a month ago on myspace, but it's still interesting (at least to me) and pertinent, so i am reposting it here.

this is what happens when you drink a li'l too much..
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

after 32 years i still dont really know what i want in this world. how messed up is that? arent we supposed to have some sort of clue at this age?

i am very lucky in that i have started a great new job and i love it. granted its only a month in but i think it is the perfect fit for me at least at this stage in my life. it wasnt what i pictured myself doing when i was little but i truly hope i have found my calling.

whats really confusing is the "other stuff." do i want to get married one day? do i want a family? some days the answer is yes, most days the answer is no or at least probably not. but the days the answer is no are the most depressing. i talked to my dad today. it is his 64th birthday. i sent him a sweet card that was perfect. it talked about how you didnt need the frilly dresses and tiaras to be a princess in your daddy's eyes - and that definitely wasnt me as a kid! i played in the dirt with the boys and liked to watch sports. but i am still daddy's little girl. i also gave him a keychain that said my dad.. my hero. and that is the truth. along with my mom and my sister they are the most important people in my life. and i often wonder if i will ever experience that relationship in a capacity other than the one i have right now. if i dont have my own family, what do i mean to anyone? it feels like my life will mean nothing.

however i cant make my mind up when i probably should. i run away from relationships and blow people off who might potentially be interested in me. last year was a very bad year for me relationship-wise so maybe that is the reason why i do everything i can to avoid a date or getting to know someone in a role other than friend or makeout partner. 2008 made me cynical and sour when it comes to men. finding the person you are dating in bed with someone, or learning that the person you are dating has a pregnant girlfriend will do that to you. luckily for me i can laugh about it now. even if it is bitterly. :)

at any rate i rue the fact that i am not a real life carrie bradshaw - my passion would be to write about this stuff on a regular basis, along with other things of course, like sports. i would love to dissect it and discuss it and try to figure out why i (and other chicks) are so messed up when it comes to dating and dudes. or maybe its just me? if thats the case i will have a whole other reason to write a blog.